Discombobulation Station

Rejected Facebook Statuses*

Andrea D   Laundry...again. A few glasses of wine and one of these Vicodins from my Dad's stash ought to make this more interesting.  

About 20 minutes ago

 Andrea D  Has a major boner for David Duchovny in Californication. This show makes me want to move to Venice Beach and screw everything that moves while maintaining a BAC of at least .06 at all times.  For just a few years, until I get too ugly.  

About 45 minutes ago 

Andrea D  fucking loves PIZZA!!!11!!

About 2 hours ago

Andrea D   Is enough of an asshole to order pizza delivery in a snowstorm. And liberalguilty enough to overtip like an asshole.

About 3 hours ago

Andrea D  Wow. Who ever could have predicted that spreadsheets would be so interesting *hangs self*

About 4 hours ago

Andrea D  says whatthefuck more goddamn doucheshitass cocksucking motherfucking dickpunching SNOW!!!! Fuck this I am moving to Maui.  Coconut bras and daquiri hangovers for everyone!

About 5 hours ago

Andrea D  Holy hell, this kid poops bigger than my 90 lb dog.

About 8 hours ago

Andrea D  got laid last night! It was OK.

About 10 hours ago

What would you write if no one (but your most understanding friends) was watching?

xoxo, A

*because my mom is my Facebook Friend.

I See Dancing Soldiers

I just can't get enough of this meme and I hope it doesn't go away very soon. I realize that not only do soldiers around the world work their asses off in unbearable circumstances and climates, risk their lives as a matter of course on a daily basis, and endure realities of war that I hope to never be forced to comprehend, but that also? They have some free time to spare. I'm getting the feeling that a lot of these young soliders listen to pop music, and there's something about a catchy beat and something danceable that gets the creative juices going. I just started reading Sebastian Junger's book War, which is turning out to be a very eye-opening read about the impossibility of waging a war in mountain terrain, with plenty of humorous and endearing moments as well. What fascinates me most about these dance routines is that at times the interactions push the boundaries of what you think most macho, don't-ask-don't-tell policy-supporting military dudes* are comfortable with. They're true performers above all else, and I admire this.

*I'm generalizing here and have no stats to back me up, this is based on talking to random military males I meet in bars or parties and quiz uncomfortably about politics until the wee hours.

This is the one I caught on the internets the other day which renewed my interest in the phenom. Apparently the Israeli army has now banned dancing soldiers. Perhaps this is one reason why. Whatevs.

Here's how the yanks do it, again using my favorite Vegas trip anthem. Music, its universal!

This one, despite its homoeroticism, is almost community theater worthy, and I mean that in the best way (I support community theater!) Isn't the beefy guy just irresistible!?!

This video proves its been going on for a while, as its three years old. Not as much dancing but some interesting b-roll nonetheless.

I wonder if this is the same company or is this song just a great jam for working the streets of Iraq. I love how they're dancing while on patrol in the neighborhoods, confusing the locals but hopefully in a good way.

Perhaps it all started here?

Whatever it takes, men and women of the forces around the globe. I support your dancing bootaes, if not all of your native country's politics. Certainly it seems you're doing your best to break up the tension, and that's one thing I can get behind.

E.

And in the beginning...

There was scooterzine. I must have made this in 2000 or so, just after moving from Boston to Chicago. I was very excited about my scooter, now that I could ride it. They were more rare on the street then, and there was only one scooter message board and they all seemed to know each other. In the interest of being hip and underground I made "Scooterzine" - on yahoo geocities! Which is now closing. I had forgotton it was still up so I captured the pages in a PDF for posterity. It was my first blog, even though I bristled at that term at the time.

So I share with you! Its so cute! Look at the non-existent margins and the bad photo titling job! But I do have to admit the Cook County Hospital story is still one of my favorites, and I'm bound to tell it if anyone ever questions the idea of socialized medicine in this country. For one moment in history, I found it.

Enjoy.

E

Download Scooterzine

Jensational's Mad Skillz

Last week, after a lovely dinner at Bin with Jen G., Jenny had asked me if she could see my online personal. I had to give her my login addy in order for her to get in but it's Ok, I trust her. She replied with great enthusiasm and sent back some links of "guys I should wink at." After a few days the links stopped working so last night I asked her to login again and send me the handles she likes. She did more than that.

Below is full text of Jensational's most prodigious research on the rare and elusive breed of "Single Chicago Male":

OK, I found new guys too.  These guys are all marked as compatible with you.  I think that they’re cute and their profiles didn’t come across as skeezy, self-involved or weird.  That being said, they may still be all of the above.  Some skeezy dudes are just good writers:

clxxx  : kind of looks like he might be related to you in one photo. But he’s cute. AND he mentions Harry Potter in his profile too.  He has a good professional job (recording engineer).

paxxx: looks cute in one photo and not so cute in the others.  Is a lawyer and might be snotty.  But also might be rich.  These are the gambles we must deal with in life.  If nothing else, fancy dinner?

Moxxx: I put him on the first time too.  I think he’s very cute in that blonde preppy Sweet Valley High way.  He has a sense of humor in his responses although he does not list a career which makes me worry that he’s currently in grad school and is very poor.  But mentions wanting to fight Russell Crowe which may be funny or just oddly violent.

PSxxx: Cute in a Guido sopranos sort of way and works in “wealth management”.  I think this means mafia.  I think this is awesome. Tends to overuse exclamation points but still seems intriguing. Incorrectly uses your/you’re.  If this bothers you, pass him by.  I still think that if you have any fantasies at all about wearing a velour tracksuit while your husband comes home with odd blood stains on his semi-shiny suit, this may be a good guy to go for.

toxxx: hate his profile name but he has an older handsome quality about him like that senator dude from Sex & the City who wanted to pee on Carrie.  He makes an oprah joke and also is a Creative Director.  Sounds like you should marry him.  I hope he does not want to pee on you but if so I think maybe you should try it once just because he is cute.

mcxxx: Sort of cute but is a teacher so if you can’t find a chick when you’re a dude teacher, I’m a bit worried.  I mean honestly he probably works with more women than most men.  But perhaps he does not date at the office?  He prefers not to mention drugs which is worrisome.

shxxx: Not traditionally cute but is Irish so that’s cool. Doesn’t offer much in the way of answers but is a doctor and is irish.

7xxx: I picked him last time too. Sort of looks gay but is a therapist so maybe that’s just “sensitive man” coming off the screen. Cute anyways.

Caxxx: I picked him last time too.  He says he works in “movies” which always makes me think “porn”.  But hey, that’s good honest work so what can you do?  He also prefers not to mention drugs. Probably because he likes to sniff coke off of porn actresses butts.  But who doesn’t?

Those are my choices.  Wink at all of them.

Much appreciated! For the record the therapist guy (gay?) winked at me and I winked back. Now I think he's supposed to spend some credits and write me. Right? Is this how it works?

Also I think I might have found out why I'm not getting any messages.  My "cupid settings" were set at looking for women. So unless you scrolled through manually, I wasn't going to come up as a match to any men, or women for that matter. It was complicated.

E.

From the Inbox

I love my friends:

I'm honestly not over the aftermath of the party, so I don't really want it to be a late night.  Maybe a bottle of wine for each of us?  I feel like I need to put warnings like that out with you two because I have no control when we're together.

Guess who sends me this grody link:

               

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html?link=eaf

Trying to remember something (not me BTW):

Yeah that was after you fell over in the front yard. Also possibly a sign of DRUNKKKKSHHH.

Re: Halloween pics:

Small Wonder wasn't a super hero was she?

From IM with A today:

               yep
                they were some tasty balls too

Meatballs meatballs! She had the meatballs for dinner. Hot and fresh and GOOD. HA.

E.

 

 

Slightly Drungen Blogging

oh ma gawd did you miss your co-blogger? as fascinated as i am with poop on the neon i had to just step in and say holla! oh my, a lot has happened since i last blogged. i dunno even what i last blooged about. ha ha typo i like it. sorry, this is how i email when drunk and if a-bone takes it, so are you.

i was whisked off to LA for an internet project and i wasn't sure i would be ok with this at all. i'm good at travel, rental cars, hell i even know LA pretty well (thank you Sam and your years in Hermosa and Marina del Rey). but i was pretty sure i was walking into a slightly crazy pile of, well, potentially really great stuff and. well. i've been complaining about not having oppourtunity for a long time so i said to my boss, ok. i'll go? if you need me to? it will be fun? and a great experience? and it was my other boss who had suggested i come out, and well, i needed to go. even tho i missed downtown sam's wedding. that was my first thought. also cousin cath's seester's 30th. and sortof my alone time and sanity and stuff. but also, no cubicle for a whole week? and crazy cool experince in new media and of course, really nice accomodations at that one hotel in santa monica with like the shutters? and looking at the beach and pier from the balcony every morning? sorry now i'm just bragging, because i have to and can't help it. i told my room when i left that i loved it. literally. i said, "goodbye room, i love you!"

so it was a crazy fun exciting sometimes draining ridiculously busy sometimes dramatic hilarious (did i say that already?) week. i learned more than i have in years. i got along with everyone and i think i was a help. i got really wasted one night and fell asleep in a cabana at a high end hotel. i made executive decisions partly because no one else was around and mostly because i'm qualified to do so. i learned that of myself. which is good, no, great.

i was nervous about traveling not because i couldn't do it, but partly because i've gotten myself into a rut. and a trip like this can kick that out of you. i can see how people can do it for months on end. i could have done. but i'm glad to be home. MB moved in while i was away! bombay sam got married! lori is getting married in two weeks! the bears are in the superbowl and i think like 4 (of the nine we produced) of my commercials are too! A & are going somewhere warm in March and it's not going to be in the U.S.!
is it really 20 degrees where i live? OK!

actually it was really cool to fly in tonight and see the tron-like grid that chicago has produced. i can never believe that i live here when i fly home. until the hipster chicago cabbie insists on explaining to me the details of andalisian moorish music, and how best to enjoy it over an espresso and traditional morrocan food at home; until i settle into my gorgeous 1920s apartment and have a casual cigarette where i want (and not in stealth CA mode); and until i think about all my good gf's that i can't wait to see this week. (who wants to hang out?)

also: it was announced at a work related dinner, by my boss, that part of the reason i was even in LA was because of my fucking blog. slightly embarrassing, but no one really reads on the internet out there so no one will know what piqued his interest. i'm not so sure myself. but d - if you still have the link, which i'm not sure you do - i just want to say thank you. it was good times. i liked it. i'd like to do it again.

E.

Happy Long Weekend

Hallo hallo!

We are all recovered from the holidays and from drink fest 06-07 which was detailed in the previous postings. I thought I would truly "set my clock," to borrow a phrase from M, by relaxing last weekend but my new friend The Russian prevented that. Also, I decided to fast and drink in 12 hour sessions so needless to say Sunday I stayed in bed until 7. I'm back on my feed now thanks very much, going back to work and getting rilly busy will do that to do.

This weekend is proving much more relaxing, although I did stay up Friday until 8.30am, I went to bed promptly at 10pm last night and slept till 10am again. Am checking off one thing per day on my to-do list. To-do: The Russian. Check! HAHAHAHAHA. No. Ahem, seriously. I took the Christmas decorations down yesterday. And today I uh, finished my hot historical romance novel. And did some TV yoga. And then found the website of the author of the historical romance novels. Read that. Ok ok I'm getting up to clean out the fridge. But first, a word of wisdom.

MB forwarded me the emails pasted below as she's trying to rent out her apartment so she can move into my half-empty one, so Lori can save money for her wedding and MB can save money for her move in July. However, among inquiries from gorgeous gay boys on cruise ship employ (they sent a photo), she got a very strange inquiry from the UK:

Hello,
I'm Colly Walker of Walker Ventures from United Kingdom.I came across your profile for your place to be rented out.I am interested in renting your place for my neice who will be coming to the US for vacation.Please answer my following questions below:
1) I will like to know if your appartment is still available
2) I will like to know the rent fee per month plus the utilities and if you require deposit.
3) I want to know if you accept cashier check for payment so I can make an advance payment before her arrival that will stand as commitment
4) Lastly, I will like to know more about you.
I will be very glad to have all this questions answered.
Hope to hear from you soon
Best Regards
Colly

Now MB had already replied before I could weigh in, just reminding the woman that the deposit and first month's rent would be nearly $2,000 all together, and it would be unfurnished, not a great idea for a young student on vacation. However, the doting auntie continued:

Hello M,

 

Thanks for your response.Its okay by me.My neice name is Cossy Walker and her email address is cossysworld@yahoo.co.uk .She is 26 years old Medical student of Universty of East London.she is responsible,neat,non-smoker and easy going.I will send you my US cashier check of $4100 which i bought the last time i visited U.S.I am sending you that much money because my dad is very sick at the moment and i need to go out of town to take care of him and i need to go with all the money i have with me because i dont know how much money am going to spend for his hospital bill and take care of neccessary things.The cashier check is for US which is cashable at your bank and its not cashable here in UK.I made promise to my neice early this year that if she performs very well in her Final year exams in the University that am going to send her to the US for her vacation.she has performed very well and i dont want to dissapoint her.So once you receive cashier check,take it to the bank and cash it,remove the first month rent payment plus deposit and Send the balance down here to my neice through western union money transfer so she can buy her ticket and buy necessary things she will need because i will be away from town to take care of my dad because he is sick at the moment.Send me your name, address and phone number so i can write the check payable to your name.

Hope to hear from you as soon as possible so i can send the check to you before i leave town to my dad's place

Regards

Colly

__________

To which my immediate reply was:

Stop writing right now. This person is not English. Cossy & Colly??? Who would pay that much for a vacation?

Sounds like she's going to eventually ask you to send money ahead of time, because you know, of the sick father and niece who needs a break.

And my seconds later reply was:

Ah-ha - its a cashier's check scam:

http://chicago.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

I never realized cashier's checks needed weeks to clear. Lesson blogosphere!

And happy long weekend to you...if you're having it. Wish me luck with the fridge. I found candy from 2004 in the pantry yesterday.

E.

Make A Whale of a Song

Ok if anyone can make a song on this player thing I will personally make a donation to the cause. Whales are lovely and haunting, but, umm, how does this work? Show me your best.

E.

Learning Stuff

Mom knows I'm suddenly interested in taking a language class in Irish (Gaelic) so she sends me this very handy site. When you go to the phrases section it even has mp3s that play for you so you know what each phrase or word is supposed to sound like (don't try it phonetically). After I got over the initial shock of how foreign it does still look and sound to me, I found some little jokes thrown in by the group who made the site. For example, and maybe my Irish friends can tell me, is this really a saying?
"Hunger is a good sauce"
It took me a minute but I think I get it now.
Also, in the section for cutlery they tell you how to say "the cockroach."
And in the bed & bath section you'll find handy phrases like "who is in my bed?" (I need to memorize that one for those boozy Galway nights) and "the walls are listening" and "Orla is eating the soap" (she must have been a bold girl).
So far I know how to say cup of tea, which is cupán tae. Nice! To practice for Irish class I will memorize "I do not understand" which is Ní thuigim. 
Slán!

E.

p.s. I haven't actually found an Irish class yet because no one will call me back so suggestions for the north side of Chicago are most welcome.

Monday Morning Timewaster

Found this via Jenny's friend A Little Pollyanna and simply could not resist. Behold! My movie fantasy hookup. Tis a bit slower here at work today than last week thank god. I was a major crankypants and felt meanest to those I loved the most. If you were a casualty, I do sincerely apologize. All is on the mend now...

E.

Um, with thunder-stealing apologies to my co-author, this is the most awesome thing ever. Check out my vital, cogent, and seminal contribution to the genre.

xoxo, A