Discombobulation Station

The Year in Snog 2008

Oh yea dear readers, it's that time again. Time to look at the past year and reflect upon all it brought.

Well. After 5 years of rampant snoggery, your gal A. has finally hung up her hat. As you may know, I met a fella last September. Thus, my 2008 year in snog list looks like --

1. the FYC (MAP '07, RTT, OG, BD*)

Great followed good, we moved in together, then we bought a house, and...here's photographic evidence of what happens to me when there's only one guy I want to snog for a whole year. Taken at my parents' house on Christmas:

Oh em gee. My humps! My humps! A lovely baby bump!

So a warning to all my faire lady readers: this could happen to you. One day you could be drinking a whole bottle of cheap chardonnay at a friend-of-a-friend's kinda boring party, chatting with some guy in a t-shirt with a ripped elbow that you think is just the most adorable thing in the world, and the next,  you could be lamenting your disappearing belly button and preparing for the most monumental life-shift fucking ever.

You know - it's kind of great. No, it's really great. And nerve-wracking anxiety-ridden, and terrifically wonderful, and everything. AND my lovely co-blogger E., Swaying Jenny, and Nurse Green are throwing me a shower tomorrow! For that alone, I am the luckiest babymama in the world.

Happy 2009, everyone. At the very least, we know that everything will change. How exciting/terrifying/thrilling/nuts is that?

xoxo, A

*New category: Babydaddy

"If you're really serious about putting a stop to gay sex, let them get married."

The above is just one quotable quote from this wise - and humorous - take on Prop 8 from an ACTUAL MORMON. Brave man.

Still having a bit of a problem absorbing last week as reality. E. witnessed the whole darn thing, so I KNOW it actually happened. We do not have a sad grampa and an idiot coming into office in January. OK. But. Obama does not have rainbows and unicorns coming out of his ears,  and we were not showered with Dow points and dollar bills upon his election, and the passing of Prop 8 clearly shows we have LOTS of work to do as a nation before we become a true beacon of tolerance and fairness.  And, uh, economy blah blah blah. But it's a start, right? Right?

We found out this morning that we are having a girl. A GIRL, in all of this whirl. I am also having trouble wrapping my brain around that one. A DAUGHTER.

So maybe we can look back at this crazy year and say: look, honey. A woman ran for president, and didn't lose because of being a woman, just for being sort of unloveable and having some baggage, and while we pretty much hate her, a female-person was almost VP (and probably would have been president at some point).  So, you can be president. Or a senator. Or a stay-at-home-mom. You can be a tuba player, or a weaver, or a soccer star, or a marketing executive, or a trial lawyer, or a whatever-the-heck-you-want. Because, at the very least, our nation has learned THAT lesson. Or is learning. It's a start. But first, we have some work to do. Hopefully the couple of decades will only get better. For all of us.

xoxo, A

It's hard out there for a...single girl

Got this Wednesday night date wrap-up from a friend, and I feel terrible. People like this simply should not go out, or be on the internet at all. 

____________________

The date was....awful.  Total waste of lipstick.  This guy...was maybe the most negative human being I've had to sit through a meal with.  He hates everything.  Honestly.  Not bad looking, though not necessarily good looking either.  If he had a great personality, he could have been cute, but he had no discernible personality whatsoever.  First, we sat down and were looking over the menus.  I asked him if he was originally from Chicago.  He looked up at with with a sort of deer in the headlights look and said, gesturing to the menu "Um, can we do this first, because I can't do two things".  Really?  You can't peruse a menu and make small talk at the same time?  Also, he hardly EVER looked me in the eye.  He stared about a foot to the right of me.  He's a professor but said that he hated teaching.  He teaches social psychology, and I was asking what it was and how it differed from "regular" psychology.  It took him about 15 minutes to explain what it was.  Not because he was saying so much about it, but because he seemed to have no idea.  I asked him, if he hated teaching so much, what he wanted to do, what was his dream job.  He said "nothing".  What TV shows did he watch?  "I hate TV".  What movies?  "I really hate movies".  So, what do you do for fun, I asked?  "What do you mean?"  Well, at the end of the day, when you come home from work, what do you do?  "I don't know."  Well, what makes you happy?  "Happy?"  There has to be something, in the world, that makes you smile!  He floundered for a few minutes before stammering out that he was looking forward to winter because he liked the cold "but not in a good way".  He didn't like the food, except the fries which he referred to as "salty".  Then he pulled out a book on philosophers he was reading and asked me what I thought about a passage about Nietzsche.  I left as soon as I deemed it polite and ran home to watch Project Runway.

_________________________

I have to give my friend credit for trying to get some nugget of positivity out of him. I once had a date with a "comedian" which went much the same way. Such darkness....*shudder*. 

Maybe tonight we get my buddy a nice karaoking Korean boy, no?

E.

Most Depressing Thing Ever?

Ladies and gentleman, lend us your eyes. Please take a quick gander at this.

What do you think? To me, it's part sad first-world examination of feminism gone awry and part pretty good representation of my mother's apparent worldview. At least until she got out of menopause and started living in Florida for half the year. It makes me want to never get married, or maybe get married and just prove the whole thing wrong, or maybe become a lesbian. Or maybe take a nap.

For years I have railed (internally, or loudly, depending on the number of drinks consumed) against the whole "bickering marriage" trope that is sooooo prevalent in our popular culture.  Ha ha look, the put-upon wife sighs as her clueless husband, yet again, doesn't understand her yogurt/shoes/friends/laundry detergent!!! HA HA HA! She is so pretty/smart/with it/organized and he is so fat/clueless/messy/horny!!! HA HA HAAAA!!!

It drives me nuts. Are there any good REAL representations of marriage out there in TV land? In Books? In movies? Since the 70s? Help? More shit like this and I am going to force my co-blogger to create our Amazonian Utopia of Women (with dudes around for lifting and sex SOMETIMES).

xoxo, A

Men Are Different Today, I Hear Ev'ry Mother Say

It doesn't have to be a drag getting old! Septuagenarians in Sweden are doing it and doing it and doing it well.

Not surprisingly, Sweden also ranked high amongst the world's happiest countries.

It is super difficult to imagine oneself as an old person, and imagine old people engaged in any sort of...um...stuff...(ew, granny porn?), but it really is a nice thing, imagining that we can be vital bodies post-what is considered attractive and useful age.

Most happily, my FYC doth agree, IM stylee:

AXD:  (11:50:14 AM): check out this article; another reason to move to sweden

FYC (11:50:29 AM): I will hit it when I am 66 and you are 70

FYC (11:50:39 AM): and I will also move to sweden

He's romantic like that.

xoxo, A

Kanamara Dekai Mara!*

Many thanks to the FYC for bringing D-Station's attention to this "frisky festival" - if we didn't already have the travel bug this would certainly make one pack up her bags and fly to the land of the rising sun.

Kanamara Matsuri!

(The link is mildly NSFW, unless you have the kind of work that doesn't mind giant phallus statues.)

And please watch the video - the very proper newsman intoning over the images of giggly Japanese girls holding penis lollipops is brilliant.  The video is a little..uh...jerky.  But have patience; it's well worth it.

Happy Tuesday ya'll! And long live Elizabeth!

xo, A

*aka, the new motto at my apartment

The Year in Snog 2007

Guess what guys! I am baking tonight (my famous lemon tart, and peanut butter chip-chocolate cupcakes). And watching a marathon of When Harry Met Sally. So what better time than the present to deliver, Oh yea, long promised, late delivered - Snog List!

Can you believe it is volume IV*? Oh, the wisdom I have obtained. The life lessons. The...hangovers.

And without further ado - A's (probably last even mildly interesting) SNOG LIST.

OH! In case you forgot - snog: verb, to kiss lengthily, passionately or lustily (merci, peevish)

OK I said there wouldn't be any ado, so here's the list:

The Prince (MTHB 'o5, RTT, E would say GRTBR)

The Irish Carpenter (MAB '04 - winning the award for longest run on Snog List!, FN)

The Colgate Kiwi (MAB '07 - my one and only one night stand EVER! and he taught me about an awesome toothpaste)

The Senator (MAB '07, RTT)

FYC (MAP** '07, RTT, OG, THOHILMITY!!!***)

Not nearly as long as previous years, but boy, this was still a pretty noteworthy year. I am thinking I am going to have to come up with some other measure. Maybe a collection of recipes? Or stories about the cats and the greyhound? EEK. No.

Anyway, how was yours? Your year, I mean. You don't have to share your snogs unless you really want to.

xoxo, A

*that means Disco Station is 4 years old! Cranky little toddler, about to go to school.  Probably can read already and bosses around its little brother.

**new acronym: Met At Party. Can you believe we never employed that one before?

***another new one: Totally Head Over Heels in Love, Moving in Together, Yay!

Online Dating Possibility

I didn't even have a chance to tell C that my current correspondent wrote "LOLOL" and something about "werds" and "comix" before she sent this along to me...A much better option I think!

Ode to My Butt - m4w

Reply to: pers-575401510@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-02-15,  5:54PM

I like women who are drawn to a man by his butt. It's the first thing they notice on a man and find themselves walking behind him just to get another look. They adore it for its shape, its strength and beauty. They love to touch it, stroke it, even kiss it on special occasions.

Those women always love me. I've been complimented on my rear by strangers in the street and have even been groped by strange women (?) in crowds. If we get along it will be yours to play with and admire until your heart's content. Grab it, pat it protectively, do what you want. It's an amazing thing.

I'm usually more modest but when talking about my butt I have to speak in only the most glowing terms. The rest of me is pretty fantastic as well (though not nearly as great as my butt). I'm good looking, tall, smart and funny enough to get you to laugh at even the most mundane things(not my butt).

Care to take this wonderful journey together?

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Original URL: http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/msr/575401510.html

E.

Jensational's Mad Skillz

Last week, after a lovely dinner at Bin with Jen G., Jenny had asked me if she could see my online personal. I had to give her my login addy in order for her to get in but it's Ok, I trust her. She replied with great enthusiasm and sent back some links of "guys I should wink at." After a few days the links stopped working so last night I asked her to login again and send me the handles she likes. She did more than that.

Below is full text of Jensational's most prodigious research on the rare and elusive breed of "Single Chicago Male":

OK, I found new guys too.  These guys are all marked as compatible with you.  I think that they’re cute and their profiles didn’t come across as skeezy, self-involved or weird.  That being said, they may still be all of the above.  Some skeezy dudes are just good writers:

clxxx  : kind of looks like he might be related to you in one photo. But he’s cute. AND he mentions Harry Potter in his profile too.  He has a good professional job (recording engineer).

paxxx: looks cute in one photo and not so cute in the others.  Is a lawyer and might be snotty.  But also might be rich.  These are the gambles we must deal with in life.  If nothing else, fancy dinner?

Moxxx: I put him on the first time too.  I think he’s very cute in that blonde preppy Sweet Valley High way.  He has a sense of humor in his responses although he does not list a career which makes me worry that he’s currently in grad school and is very poor.  But mentions wanting to fight Russell Crowe which may be funny or just oddly violent.

PSxxx: Cute in a Guido sopranos sort of way and works in “wealth management”.  I think this means mafia.  I think this is awesome. Tends to overuse exclamation points but still seems intriguing. Incorrectly uses your/you’re.  If this bothers you, pass him by.  I still think that if you have any fantasies at all about wearing a velour tracksuit while your husband comes home with odd blood stains on his semi-shiny suit, this may be a good guy to go for.

toxxx: hate his profile name but he has an older handsome quality about him like that senator dude from Sex & the City who wanted to pee on Carrie.  He makes an oprah joke and also is a Creative Director.  Sounds like you should marry him.  I hope he does not want to pee on you but if so I think maybe you should try it once just because he is cute.

mcxxx: Sort of cute but is a teacher so if you can’t find a chick when you’re a dude teacher, I’m a bit worried.  I mean honestly he probably works with more women than most men.  But perhaps he does not date at the office?  He prefers not to mention drugs which is worrisome.

shxxx: Not traditionally cute but is Irish so that’s cool. Doesn’t offer much in the way of answers but is a doctor and is irish.

7xxx: I picked him last time too. Sort of looks gay but is a therapist so maybe that’s just “sensitive man” coming off the screen. Cute anyways.

Caxxx: I picked him last time too.  He says he works in “movies” which always makes me think “porn”.  But hey, that’s good honest work so what can you do?  He also prefers not to mention drugs. Probably because he likes to sniff coke off of porn actresses butts.  But who doesn’t?

Those are my choices.  Wink at all of them.

Much appreciated! For the record the therapist guy (gay?) winked at me and I winked back. Now I think he's supposed to spend some credits and write me. Right? Is this how it works?

Also I think I might have found out why I'm not getting any messages.  My "cupid settings" were set at looking for women. So unless you scrolled through manually, I wasn't going to come up as a match to any men, or women for that matter. It was complicated.

E.

It's the Ha! Ha! Piest! Time!

We are pleased as punch to report that D-Station is the #1 top hit for "having sex in backbends!" Wahoo!

Also, speaking of holidaze and sexy stuffs, did you guys see this? Neither Portland MAINE nor Chitowne made this list, sadly. Alt title suggestion: "Nothin' to do but bonk." I mean, Baltimore? Salt Lake? OK, Denver, Seattle, and the Other Portland might be sorta ok, but seriously. There has to be some sort of avg temp/snowfall/heat index overlay we could do for this. Any statisticians out there? DO IT!

xo, A

p.s. Hope you all had merry christmases, and got everything you wanted?