Fourth

So how were your long weekends? Ours was quite nice, with all the requisite beachiness and relaxation and family and friends and fun and food that you'd expect. I took not a single photo worth sharing, because we were so busy enjoying. And then busy resting up for the next fun thing.

To get to all the fun, we had to drive for four hours. Little A. was a super trooper, with only about ten minutes total fussiness (right before naps and once because dumb Mama forgot to pack a snack).  Aren't two-year-olds supposed to be royal pains in the asses? For sooth, Little A. is no pain in in the ass. She has her moments, as we all do, and will only eat about four different things, but mostly - she's awesome. She entertains herself, sings all of the time (wonder where she gets that from?), wants to help,  shares (really! most of the time), and if she hears another friend cry she asks if she can go give him a hug to "make him feel nice and better!"

Once, when we were having a dust-up over some naughtiness and I had dragged her kicking and screaming into time-out (and put myself into a time-out in another room), she heard me cough from her prison and called out --mid-holler about how she hated time out and her crib and baby Lula and especially mean Mommy I WANT TO WATCH DO-YAH!!! -- with true concern in her voice, "You OK, Mommy?" It makes you melt, I tell you what.

So. Amidst all the excitement over the new baby sister I am feeling... lots of things. Preemptively guilty that this awesome kiddo, my first-born, will have to fend for herself even more after the new one comes along. Fearful that my selfish desire to be pregnant one more time is going to throw our new-found family balance completely out of whack.  Sad that I will not be able to spend as much time with BabyGirl2 as I did with Little A., due to job obligations/financial duress. Worried that I might never be able to really master using a breast pump.  On top of all the usual pregnancy anxieties over the baby's health and our readiness and etc etc etc. I am, in short, kind of a mess. On the inside.

On the outside, I am determined to enjoy the last months as a threesome. I want to start couples therapy so the FYD and I have some tools to deal with the inevitable chaos and additional stress. I want to organize the house top to bottom so at least I will be able to find a goddamn clean onesie for the new bitty one.  I want to savor every single full night's sleep.  I want to remember how amazing and fabulous and wonderful my two-year old Silly Bean is and hold it with me when I am covered in baby poop and losing my shit, and she is asking me, over and over and over, for mo' milk peeease. MO. MILK. NOW! MAMA!!! AND I WANNA WATCH ANNUDER DOOOOO-YAH!!!!

Family of four, here we come. Except we're probably never going to actually go anywhere ever again, cause how the hell do you do THAT?

xoxo, A