Six of One: If I Was Rich Girl

Na na na nah nah nananananaaa.

Whatever.

So, if I was in FUCKING VANITY FAIR: 

1. "Yes, I spent a lot of time in Boston -- some miserable, yet very influential times that we can go into later -- but I'm actually from Maine. It's not Canada, but the drugs were all from there.  Oh, did I say that? Well, if it's on the record...but yes. Maine. The great White North, all that. Poland Springs, snowpants, cross-country skiing, and mescaline. My family? Oh, well. We're WASPs. It took me about 15 years of intense therapy to learn how to hug someone, or say 'I love you,' but other than that. Well, y'know. You've read Irving, I'm guessing (looks into distance, squints slightly, drags on her Parliament)."

2. "Well, I don't know if it's appropriate for me to comment on the President's -- oh! Look! Denise is over there! Hi Denise! Denise! Oh, I guess she didn't see me. Yeah, anyway, the press blew that so-called feud WAY out of proportion. She and Charlie hadn't, you know, been really together for 6 months or so before he and I started dating. Seriously! We're all friends now. Their kids are like, so cool. The whole Sheen family has really taken me under their wing, shown me how to deal with fame. I love them! Wow, look what I just said! 'I LOVE them!' Therapy in action! Thanks, Dr. Dulberg!"

3. "Well, I haven't really decided my next steps yet. I mean, the Oscar was a high point, you know? And the greatest thing is how it totally disproved the whole thing about women and screenwriting. I mean, seriously, I'm from like this totally small town in Maine, and yet somehow my writing tapped into the public's universal longing. Longing, like, for a place, a voice. Seriously. I mean, Elizabeth (Wurtzel, author of Prozac Nation) kinda tapped into that place, but then somehow I rode the wave all the way to the top. Years later. I mean, she's what, like, 35 now?"

4. "You are SO FUNNY. He and I are just writing partners. Seriously. We have lived together off and on in the past, but now, we can just get together and WORK. You know? Also, he's invaluable for shopping advice. Boy's got style, you know? He really knows my body. So I never have to hire a stylist! No, there was no conflict over who would get top billing on the screenplay. I mean, it was the story of MY life, you know?" 

5. "Charlie and I are so happy right now. We have a great brownstone in Brooklyn, and a little getaway outside of Malibu. Our dogs come with us everywhere. It's been stressful, lately, with Martin being sick, but he's such a strong man. I first met him when I was in my very early twenties. I used to have such a crush on him, from when I first watched Apocalypse Now in high school. He's really charming. I really, really respect his work. He's adorable."

6. "No, I could never go back to that (drags on Parliament). I don't miss anything about academia. The endless politics, departmental inbreeding, all of that. Getting my JD & PhD from Harvard was invaluable, a real intellectual challenge, but when I really think back on what shaped me and my writing, it wasn't that. It was my life, really. My real life. Nothing can compare to that, and readers know. You can't fake it with readers -- they'll eat you alive."

Comments

[E.]

Ha ha, we funny. Even when we're famous, we're still like, the same person. HA. You smoke Parliments though?